(If you watch CouchTomato's '24 Reasons' videos on YouTube, you'll know to read this in his voice.)
Now, everybody loves "Gravity Falls" and, to me, anyone who doesn't is not your friend, but one thing I just can't cotton to is how the fandom seems to have embraced Dipper and Pacifica as a couple and treated Dipper and Wendy like a bad dream. Like I said, I feel just like the girl at the end of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, when she runs up on President Snow, who's all like 'waaaaaaaaaaaaaaughh!'. Oh, and 37-year-old spoiler alert.
Me, I'm all like, 'Gretchen, stop trying to make Dipifica happen. It's not gonna happen.' and everybody's all like 'Why?'. I have my reasons. You know that show, "How I Met Your Mother"? Yeah, the finale sucked. Moving on. I was thinking about that awesome song about suits, wingman I can wear, they're oh so debonair, a perfect way to snare a girl with daddy issues. Pacifica's issues with her daddy, you know, Captain Tightpants, struck me as sort of like those that Helga had with her dad. It's all there in 'The Big Book of Psychiatric Cliches'. It was on the New York Times Best-Seller List for, like, ever, until "50 Shades of Grey" knocked it out of Thunderdome.
And speaking of issues, these two did not start out on the right foot. Not sure why everyone likes to forget that. Granted, she softens up a little later, but it was crystal clear that they weren't gonna friend each other on Facebook. It reminded me of that one show where the nasty blonde girl treats the boy she supposedly loves like the floor around Stevie Wonder's urinal because reasons, which is a lot like on that other show where the nasty blonde girl treats the boy she supposedly loves like the floor around Stevie Wonder's urinal because reasons, which totally ripped off that one show where the nasty blonde girl treats the boy she supposedly loves like the floor around Stevie Wonder's urinal because reasons, leading me to believe that kid's show writers have issues with a capital 'Ewww'.
Continuing with the 'double U-tee-eff' motif, there's this picture rikoudu.deviantart.com/art/Som…, which I consider in bad taste. It's one thing to control Pacifica with a bell, but to honestly and unironically suggest that her daddy hits her...I don't want to laugh, 'cause that'd be rude, so I'll just say #smh.
It's really no different than a fanfiction that turns a kick-butt, me-against-the-world girl into a submissive, abused victim. You wouldn't do this to Shego, would you? Any guy who tries to domestic abuse her is getting his spine ripped out, Predator-style. (By the way, there really is a fanfic that did this to Shego, and yeah, it's pretty weak.)
And speaking of fanfictions, there's the review that says the following: "Pacifica has been through a LOT worse than you could possibly know, Wendy... So you better not start casting aspersions on her character without knowing her full story! You think you've got it tough at home... AT LEAST you don't have every aspect of your life micromanaged by a couple of control freak jerks who've trained you to respond to a BELL! And she's a HERO for saving dozens of lives from the ghost of probably one of your ancestors! So before you start calling her 'haughty', 'stuck-up', and 'hardly worthy of trust', perhaps try finding out a bit more about her history.". That dudebro is suggesting that the evil ghost terrorizing the Northwests could've been one of Wendy's ancestors is such a horrible idea for a story, I'm surprised there aren't, like, ten fanfics about it right now. It's what's known as a slippery slope and, before you know it, Pacifica is trying to drown Wendy in the Tunnel of Love moments after learning that Wendy can't swim, which doesn't sound like attempted murder to me, but I'm not a lawyer, so what do I know?
As you can probably tell, I'm not a big fan of how "Hey Arnold" sharted the bed in getting Helga and Arnold together. A lot of people may think that Pacifica is nothing like Helga, but I can't help but wonder...
Some people argue in favor of Dipifica because there's no weird age difference, to which I can only say, 'get over yourselves'. In canon, there's only a four-year difference between Dipper and Wendy. Now, I've been reading Scientific American - that doesn't make me a geek, just a guy wanting to expand his horizons and what not - and they came up with this amazing new theory called 'waiting until they're both old enough'. It hasn't been proven 100%, but I'm all in favor of giving science a try. Besides, Wendy got to his heart first.
And those are my reasons why I don't care for Dipper and Pacifica as a couple. You agree? Yes, no, maybe so? Submit a comment and stay tuned for more opinions on cartoons.
(And if you think you hate me after reading this, wait until my post on how "Pickle and Peanut" is the Olympus Has Fallen to the current "Regular Show's" A Good Day to Die Hard.)